Happy birthday...

Happy birthday to my angel mother! She would've been 59 today.  I'm trying to just push through the sadness today. No tears...just sad. I should be meeting her for lunch at her favorite Chinese restaurant.  I wish I could go to the cemetery and just sit with her. Maybe not even say much but just sit and remember. But, my kids are not fans of going there..especially Hailey. So, I'm just going to keep on going....be the best mom I can be today. I know that's what she would want. 

 

I am happy to know she is surrounded by true love, light, and goodness. She in His presence...no longer in pain. Not struggling.  

In Memory

This week I had the honor of making a photo board for my mom's upcoming 40th class reunion of all of the deceased class members.  I got to know each and everyone of their young faces and wondered what their life was like and how they passed.  It was also sad for me because I hate it that my mother's picture is on this board.  I mean I really really hate it. 

Mom has been gone for over three years now.  She was a very young 54 yrs old when she died. Ever since, I have felt a huge hole in my heart and life. I have not felt peace or acceptance...which I'm sure it holding me back in dealing with my grief.  I don't feel her. I don't see her. When I dream about her, we are doing everyday ordinary things like cleaning together or having lunch. But, she never tells me that she's ok. And I need her to tell me that. I've been praying for that one thing for three years. 

The thing is, you have to go on with your life. You don't have a choice. Right after Mom died, my kids were 5 and 3. I had to go right back into being a mom and taking care of my family.  And I know that's what Mom would want..to go on and be happy. Can I tell you sometimes that is so hard. I see my children's faces and it makes me so sad that they have to grow up without their grandmother!  I feel like they are being cheated. Hailey, being the first grandchild, knew Mom the best and will have memories of her. But, Noah and Sidney probably don't remember. And Deacon will never know her.    People say to me "she is here and she is watching over you", but it's not the same as having her here sharing life experiences. It's not the same!! I feel like my life changed the day she died. 

I know my mother really suffered the last few months of her life. Her cancer was too far gone by the time they found it. I know she is with our Heavenly Father and perfect and out of pain. I just want to say sometimes "why God, why?". What is Your plan? How is this benefiting anyone.  I know this question probably won't be answered in my lifetime.  I am going to have to trust Him.  It's just that the changes are hard. 

Love you my beautiful mother. Always and forever.

Donna Ann Burns Witt

August 19, 1954-June 29, 2009

Amazing Grace

As in a previous post, I mentioned I attended the bridal shower of my soon to be SIL.  The church, St. Ann's, is located in the South Side of Peoria.  When I pulled into the parking lot, my aunt told me this was the same church my grandparents were married. I have a picture of them standing in front of the double doors.  At that time, the church was St. Boniface.

Here is the picture in a frame. I'm too afraid to take it out as some moisture has gotten between the glass and photo. 

My cousin Dawn, Aunt Wanda, and cousin Rachel in front of the doors. 

I love when things like this happen. It makes me feel connected to my grandparents. My grandfather has been gone for almost 25 yrs and grandma passed away last spring.  I miss them both a lot..especially with my brother getting married. 

June 29th

June 29th, 2009 is a day I will always remember. It is the day my beautiful mother passed away. She had battled Stage IV lung cancer for just two short months.  By the time she was diagnosed, the cancer was too far advanced; her body already weak. Mom probably didn't weigh more than 80 lbs by the time she died.

My dad, sisters, and I were with Mom when she died...just loving on her while crying our  eyes out. I remember feeling relieved that she was out of pain. And that I wouldn't have to walk into the house and see my mother so frail, when all of my life she had been so strong and energetic. Mom always had a smile for you, a hug. You would walk into the kitchen and she'd ask you if you needed anything. Mom was a giver.

I remember just living on adrenaline while Mom was sick...praying constantly to God to heal my mother. Or that this was all a horrible dream that I would wake from.  Even til the end, Mom tried to comfort all of us, as well as ensure us she was ok.  She would tell us, "My body is sick but my soul is healthy".  Still, even now, its hard to find comfort in that. Just plainly because she isn't here. I believe 100% in God's plan and that it is a good thing Mom isn't in pain. But, as I said, she isn't here. She's not watching her grandbabies get bigger (she LOVED being a grandma).  I can't pick up the phone and share something the kids said or did. I can't meet her for Chinese over her lunch hour anymore. 

I know if Mom was here, she would tell people to stop smoking.  Mom smoked most of her life...and it killed her. Lung cancer has also taken my maternal grandparents, a great aunt, and a cousin. 

 Miss you Mama every hour of every day. My life is not the same without you!! It never will be. I can't wait to see you again in heaven. 

Donna Ann Witt

August 19, 1954-June 29th, 2009

Suicide Survivor's Day

In rememberance of a beautiful soul who unfortunately could not see what others saw in her.

  I'd like to you meet my friend, Wendi. I met her a little over 10 years ago at an eating disorders support group.  She was a junior in high school; I was finishing up 6 weeks of partial hospitalization.  We bonded over the fact that I was an EP alum and we loved one of the French teachers.  I had always hoped Wendi would recover for good from her eating disorder. But in the last few years, she seemed to get worse. This past spring, she tried to commit suicide. For three months, she was in a persistant vegetative state until her family decided to take her off life support.  I can say no one's life is the same without Wendi. I miss her every day.

So, if you or someone you know is struggling with depression, an eating disorder, or any other addiction, PLEASE get help.

Scrapbook Sunday

Sorry for my absence. It's been a busy few days. The kids and I spent all day Saturday in Peoria visiting with family and celebrating my niece's 4th birthday.  All three of us were worn out when we got home. Noah even fell asleep on the way home.  Unfortunately, he ended up getting sick last night...my husband was up with him (and cleaning up puke) a good part of the night. 

I went to church this morning, then we all went to a couple open houses.  One was waaay out of price range but very nice. Not sure if we'll find that perfect house that both Chris and I can agree on.

Anyway, I took the rest of the day to sit in my scrap room to get some layouts done. I feel like I have these ideas floating around in my head and never have the time to make them come to fruition.  Well, today I had the chance.  It was good therapy as I've been feeling kind of down lately.  I lost my mom to cancer last year and that makes the holidays even more tough.  Plus, my grandmother is suffering from emphysema and isn't doing well.  Ever since losing Mom, I guess I don't handle death and loss as well as I used to. I feel like I've had enough in one lifetime. Rationally, I know that isn't how life works.

My first layout I did I used Teresa Collin's Giving Thanks.  The picture was taken on Waikiki Beach with Diamond Head in the background.   Last month, Chris and I were lucky enough to get away for a pest control convention without kids!  The company footed most of the bill and my youngest sister and MIL watched the kids. It was so nice to get away just the two of us!! It rarely happens that we can even get a weekend away.

My second layout is done with My Mind's Eye Sophie collection. I love their pieces...I found this at an Archivers this past summer when we went up for CHA in Chicago. I bought these piece with this picture in mind.  This is the last picture I had taken with my mom. She passed away last summer from lung cancer at the age of 54. Mom fought hard but unfortunately, the cancer was so far advance when she was diagnosed. I miss her so much. My life isn't the same without her.

My third layout involves even more therapy. I did this in honor of my friend Wendi.  I met Wendi at an eating disorder support group in 1999.  She was still in high school and we bonded over the fact that she had Mme. Pfahl for French. We became friends and occasionally went out to eat or shopping together.  She was like my little sister.  This past spring, Wendi tried to take her own life. She was in a persistant vegetative state for three months.  I will miss her forever. My heart aches so much when I think about her. 

I used Little Yellow Bicycle's Freespirit. I bought it for the peace signs...as that was one of the things Wendi loved. The week after Wendi's funeral, my friend Natalie and I went and got tattoos to honor Wendi.  Yep...peace signs:

Well, I think this is the longest entry I've had so far! It's time for bed...been a long day. I didn't mention that I broke one of my toes on Friday night either. Yep, just call me Grace.