Lately I've realized I've gotten off track with my focus on why I scrapbook. I love creating.....its more than a hobby. Its therapy. Telling a story and the whole process is what I love. However, I feel like I've been putting too much pressure on worrying about what others will think and it was really messing up my creativity.
And this time of year doesn't help either. I struggle with anxiety and depression more during February and March than any other time. I don't know why.....maybe its the lull between the holidays and arrival of spring. March is triggering too because its the time of year my mom started to get sick. I try to prepare myself every year and it still knocks me down. She'll be gone 4 years in June. I feel like people expect me to be "over it" or just live with the fact that she's gone. My mom was my best friend and knew me better than anyone. And she was a wonderful grandma. Losing her has been the biggest trauma of my life. And if you haven't gone through it, you won't know what I'm talking about. My life is just different. And weird. I told my sister the other day I don't know how to navigate through life without Mom.
So please bear with me. Those who are close to me I'm sure get frustrated. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. I wish I wasn't like this...I have been for years. I think I tend to push people away too when I'm hurting. Well, I know I do. Most of the time its easier to push the grief and hurt down and not deal with it. I'm afraid of people seeing what's deep inside.
I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful family and husband. They are there when I feel like opening up. Most of the time its them sitting there listening to me or just watching me cry.
Ok I realized this is more like a diary entry than some fun crafty project I usually share. I promise to get back to that! Sometimes its just good to get things out.
I know my blog is mainly for scrapbooking, but I'm going to try to start sharing some of my everyday life too.