This week I had the honor of making a photo board for my mom's upcoming 40th class reunion of all of the deceased class members. I got to know each and everyone of their young faces and wondered what their life was like and how they passed. It was also sad for me because I hate it that my mother's picture is on this board. I mean I really really hate it.
Mom has been gone for over three years now. She was a very young 54 yrs old when she died. Ever since, I have felt a huge hole in my heart and life. I have not felt peace or acceptance...which I'm sure it holding me back in dealing with my grief. I don't feel her. I don't see her. When I dream about her, we are doing everyday ordinary things like cleaning together or having lunch. But, she never tells me that she's ok. And I need her to tell me that. I've been praying for that one thing for three years.
The thing is, you have to go on with your life. You don't have a choice. Right after Mom died, my kids were 5 and 3. I had to go right back into being a mom and taking care of my family. And I know that's what Mom would want..to go on and be happy. Can I tell you sometimes that is so hard. I see my children's faces and it makes me so sad that they have to grow up without their grandmother! I feel like they are being cheated. Hailey, being the first grandchild, knew Mom the best and will have memories of her. But, Noah and Sidney probably don't remember. And Deacon will never know her. People say to me "she is here and she is watching over you", but it's not the same as having her here sharing life experiences. It's not the same!! I feel like my life changed the day she died.
I know my mother really suffered the last few months of her life. Her cancer was too far gone by the time they found it. I know she is with our Heavenly Father and perfect and out of pain. I just want to say sometimes "why God, why?". What is Your plan? How is this benefiting anyone. I know this question probably won't be answered in my lifetime. I am going to have to trust Him. It's just that the changes are hard.
Love you my beautiful mother. Always and forever.
Donna Ann Burns Witt
August 19, 1954-June 29, 2009